


Without Him

by evetessmacher



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Feels, Introspection, KaraMel, Lost Love, Love, Missing Mon-El, Tragic Romance, remembering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-03 01:18:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17274368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evetessmacher/pseuds/evetessmacher
Summary: Everyday looked just the same for Kara, since Mon-El had left.Her life felt so much emptier, just like her heart.





	Without Him

So it begins, another day of emptiness.

The alarm clock seems louder and getting up feels harder each morning; the house is in a dead silence: it smells like nothing, there’s no bacon sizzling, no smell of hash browns, no pancakes. Nothing. 

  
Breakfast used to be my favorite meal, a great way to start a new day, but now I can barely eat; I skipped it almost everyday because… because it felt like it didn’t make sense, without him. 

  
I lazily wash myself, dress up and go straight to the DEO for a morning check and then CatCo, which somehow seemed too noisy lately, maybe it’s always been that way. 

  
I focus on whatever Snapper has to say in his trombone-like voice, and then I start typing, getting lost in the words as much as I can because if I lose concentration, I would write something lame and that would be just another reason to be angry with myself.

“Good job, Ponytail. I noticed a more neutral tone in your articles.” He said once.

I’ve never understood if he was proud of that or it disappointed him, either way, it was the only way I could write in the last months. 

  
And then my “favorite” part: my coworkers’ faces during lunch breaks. 

  
They remember damn well that he would always bring me food or take me somewhere during these breaks, but since he didn’t show up in the last 189 days, they could figure out why I only drank coffee at that point, never moving from my desk and then.. they would look at me with sealed lips and eyes full of compassion and understanding. 

  
Maybe understanding isn’t the right word; what could they understand about sacrificing the love of your life to save the world? Not even Kal could’ve done that. 

  
“Hey, just know that if you wanna have lunch with me, I’m always available.” Eve said with a whisper, and I reply with a even quieter “Thanks.”

  
She looks at me, a hint of sadness in her eyes, before walking away. I can almost feel bad for her, she just wants to make me feel better.. like everyone else after all. Winn, Lena, James, J'onn… and Alex.

Alex is the most persistent, of course: she wants to have movie night but I always refuse, she wants to sleep over but I tell her it’s not necessary, she wants to do everything when all I wanna do is nothing. Sometimes I would let her win because I know she could die with worry. She’s living the best moment of her life and I can’t rain on her parade. 

But all I need is to just sit on the couch, by myself and remember. 

  
I need to relive memories, moments, think about him.. just to feel him closer, even if this illusion would have lasted for a few seconds: but when it would’ve been over, his absence would have felt more crushing than before. 

  
I pick up the book he was reading, and read the bookmarked page over and over, never daring to continue or move the bookmark. I want to cry but I can’t.

“Supergirl, we need you.”

  
An alien attack at the station, some DEO agents were already there to have civilians leave the place safely: it was time to punch hard. 

  
The only times I could feel better was when I was recklessly punching down aliens or whatever threat, when Kara Danvers was completely off and Supergirl was on. 

  
In those moments, my anger could flow through my arms and hands, finding some way to get out after being bottled inside for so long: sometimes Alex would shout in my ear to stop because I was killing them, while the DEO wanted to capture the monster alive. 

  
Once, I would’ve felt some kind of compassion or pity, but now, they didn’t matter at all, I just need to let my feelings out, I couldn’t care less about the victims. 

I’m Supergirl, National City knows that, the whole world knows that and I know that too. I know that I’m a hero, I’m a refugee, I’m an alien, I’m not human; I stopped pretending to be human, pretending to have.. humanity.

When the night arrives, I eat something and I put on one of his shirts. Tonight, I put on my favorite one, his long sleeved blue shirt, the one that accentuated his strong arm muscles, the one he had when we first got together, the one he had when we made love for the first time. I pretend that the embrace of the fabric is enough to console me, as I lay down to watch a romantic, dramatic movie. 

  
I can imagine him, I can feel him next to me, leaving soft kisses on my cheeks and my forehead to make me smile, I can hear his voice begging me to share the popcorn with him, I still feel his hold on me. But it’s just a pigment of my imagination. He’s gone and he can’t come back. And when the realisation hits me, I pull the red blanket over me and let out all the sobs I’ve contained all day long, my face gets red and wet of salty tears: I feel so lost without him. I feel like I lost my world, my home, again… 

  
My mind starts wondering if there could’ve been another way, someway to make him stay with me, where he is now, which planets he’s passed, how many stars he’s seen, how many comets fell on his way. But I will never get an answer; all I know is that he isn’t home with me, where he belonged, and will never be.

  
All I’m left with, is memories and dreams, and I intend to keep every single one of them alive, as much as I can. 

The clock hits midnight; today is a different day, and I’m sure that I’m the only one who’s aware of it. 

  
Exactly a year ago, the sky gave to me the greatest gift, fate wanted a kryptonian pod to fall down in this city, and my eyes found the most beautiful man I had ever seen: he looked too good to be true; but thinking about everything we have been through… all of that seems too good to be true. 

  
We looked forward celebrating this special day, he once said he would have baked his biggest cake yet for this event.

I try to convince myself that the stars wanted us to be together and they still do. Like a quiet prayer to the universe, my voice begs “Come back, please.”

  
I squeeze the blanket between my fists, tears manage to escape my closed lids: it couldn’t end like that, we were supposed to be happy together. 

Wasn’t our love enough to keep us together?

 

** End. **

**Author's Note:**

> [An older work that was originally posted on Tumblr]
> 
> Twitter : @evetessmacher
> 
> Tumblr : Iminyourhandskara
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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